TSW. Trichotillomania. Books. Life.

Me and my little black cloud


For over four years I had a little black cloud that would sometimes hover over me peacefully then at other times storm. This cloud was my anxiety, which came into my life during TSW and was shaped by PTSD.

I know I say this a lot but I think we all need to appreciate just how much of a terrible toll this process can take on us mentally. The worst thing about having to go through any kind of mental health problem is that we can't see it, we can only choose to believe it. Physical trauma gives us proof that we actually suffered, we have scars. Mental scars are there, but they are invisible. The good news is that our scars can fade – mine have.

Now, when people ask how long it took for me to recover from TSA (...still not using that H word...*coughs: healed*), I say it took two years physically and another two for the mental symptoms to catch up. Just after I had recovered physically, I may have looked better and felt happier than ever, but really, I was a wreck. For over two years, I had been to hell and back and when it was over, I thought I would be able to walk away unscathed, but our minds soak up everything. We are sponges.

TSW is a trauma, never forget that, made all the worse by the fact that we shouldn't have to go through it in the first place. You can be the strongest person on earth and yet still suffer from mental health problems – and don't think for a moment that to suffer mentally makes you a weaker person. It only makes you human.

I would like to tell you something positive now. I can safely say that I no longer suffer from anxiety as a result of TSW. Last year, after filming with Nina and Laura as part of Briana's Preventable documentary, I knew something had suddenly changed and I wouldn't suffer from TSW-induced anxiety anymore ... although I wasn't able to really put it to the test till now. Two years ago, around June 2016, I suffered from mild urticaria, which is essentially a kind of skin rash with hives. A couple of weeks ago, due to the heat wave we've been experiencing in the UK, it came back. Two years ago, when I got urticaria, my anxiety was through the roof, to the point where I suffered from panic attacks. I was in a very dark place. This time, I was able to accept it for what it was; a heat rash, and I knew that it would go, just like it did before. I embraced it. Everything was ok. It was only temporary. Just like before, I couldn't even take pictures of it it was so faint and guess what? It did go, and much quicker than the last time. Remember our skin is always fighting for us.

Just like my anxiety, there will always be clouds, but for now at least, my little cloud is white and fluffy and warmed by the sun, which has broken through after four years of darkness.

Never beat yourself up if this process gets too much for you. TSA is an horrific skin condition and one not to be taken lightly. We are all victims of a flawed system which has to change.

I will never regret going through withdrawal. It changed me for the better and gave me so much more than it took, because every cloud has a silver lining.

Cara x
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5 QUESTIONS WITH: Robyn


It brings me great pleasure to be able to bring you another 5 QUESTIONS WITH featuring one more member of our wonderful community that I feel lucky enough to be part of. What's incredible about our #TSWfamily is that some of us have 'known' each other for years now and I have watched so many people go through the worst of withdrawal and come out the other side, so without further ado, allow me to introduce the beautiful Robyn. We have been internet friends for a few years now and I'm so happy to be able to share her story with you all. I'll hand it over to Robyn:

1) Tell us a little bit about yourself and your skin journey.
I am 29 years old and was diagnosed with eczema at 17 months old. I used topical steroids like triamcinolone and desonide until I was 26 (so about 25 years of use!)

2) How did you find out about TSW?
About a year after I had my son, my skin was flaring up very badly. I went to my dermatologist and she gave me the typical steroids- but this time, they didn’t work. On top of that, my skin was flaring and peeling in places I had never had eczema, and the skin on my face was completely dry and flaking off. I literally googled ‘the steroids for my eczema stopped working’ and I found myself at the ITSAN.org site!
Robyn during withdrawal.


Robyn NOW!

3) Did you find that anything aided your healing?
Absolutely- stress management and mindfulness- yoga helped with those- as well as dietary changes, Manuka honey, Dead Sea salt baths and for the ooze- diaper cream. I avoided showers for a year, I also shaved my head. I found my hair made me itch and it was falling out anyway! And lastly, time.

4) Sum up TSW in five words.
Totally encompassing agonizing hell fire.

5) What positives, if any, have you found from going through TSW?
It’s hard for me to focus on the positives, but I’d say that I definitely lost my ego and vanity and in turn found strength and resilience. If you can get through TSW... you can get through anything.

To follow Robyn's fabulous Instagram account, click here.

Thank you so much Robyn <3

Links to my previous 5 QUESTIONS WITH:
Henni @rawsomesoul (here)
Alice @healthy_healer (here)
Maleeha @TSWHealed (here)
Nina Sloan (here)
Nick @Eczemacism (here)
Stephanie & Isaiah Quinn (here)
Stephanie @TheItchyConundrum (here)
Josh @Redskinrecoverydiary (here)
Briana @PREVENTABLE (here)
Melanie Lynch (here)
Stephanie Miller (here)
Holly Dillon @GetYourSkinOut (here)
Me (here)
Keisha Gregson (here)
Douglas Maddy & Charlie (here)
Gillian Breslin (here)
Jasmine and Jennifer (here)

Love & light,
Cara x
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