Identity Theft

Taken 23rd May 2014, almost a year into withdrawal.

Over the course of my two-year withdrawal, I took well over 700 photographs. There are some where I'm covered in angry red wounds, some that show just how swollen my face was, and pictures where a golden crust had settled on my skin from the weeping. And yet it is this photo which upsets me the most. I'm not weeping in it, my skin isn't as red as it once was, and most of the swelling had already gone down. But in this photo, I can see me again.

In the photos where I'm so obviously suffering, yes, the symptoms are shocking, but as I look so different, I'm almost able to pretend it's someone else – it's less personal, with the symptoms so much more than the person. In this photo, however, I couldn't hide under swollen skin and was instead offered a glimpse of the old me and a fear that this was the new me. This photo is so much more than my appearance. It is a total loss of identity.

Don't get me wrong, the sleepless nights that come with the weeping and irritation are terrible, but in my opinion, it is the stagnant stage of withdrawal that proved to be the most difficult. We start to see us again, and yet we are still so far from what we once were, a thick layer of elephant skin distorting the old like a mirror at a funfair.

From L to R: Before TSW. During TSW. After TSW.

It was at this stage where I would look at old pictures of myself, pre-TSW, and mourn the woman in the photographs, not able to imagine ever being that person again, whilst conveniently forgetting exactly what those pictures are – thinning skin hidden under thick foundation and topical steroids masking the real symptoms.

As a woman, you want to put on make-up and wear pretty dresses, but in reality, the thought of anything on your skin is unbearable. Through TSW, you feel unattractive, laid bare – I was no longer a woman and just some tired human endlessly suffering, the girl in the old photographs long gone. But I was right because you are never going to be that person again. You are going to be something better, and this time it is all yours.

What you need to remember is that you don't lose your identity through withdrawal, but find yourself, and besides, your old self was never yours to begin with. Topical steroids created a lie, and the truth is that it's going to take some time to get there, but get there you will, and you won't need anything to maintain it because it will simply be you. The new you. The real you.

I am going to end this by telling you something important: the stagnant stage is just another part of withdrawal.

Now is not forever.

Withdrawal is temporary.

Love,
The new me x

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