The F word: FEAR

Continuing on from my post about doubt here I wanted to talk about another emotion that plagues Topical Steroid Withdrawal: fear. TSW throws many challenges our way but the toughest ones by far are invisible to the naked eye (and that's saying something). This post has been a long time coming as it's something that has definitely been there, simmering away, since I got better last August. The joy of having great skin for the first time in over two years was immense but for a while I expected that it wouldn't last. It didn't stop me from living life to the full but it was there, the fear that I could flare at any time. I remember when I got a few rashes again after a couple of weeks of clear skin my fear went into overdrive - that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that things would go back to the way they were. Then, late one Saturday night when I thought I was going to flare, I cried for hours. The next morning my skin calmed back down but it definitely didn't stop me from feeling scared.

When I moved to London last November, my skin came up slightly on my hands and again this vicious emotion reared it's ugly head - you start working out approximately 1,000 contingency plans of what you can do if you flare and can go from the happiest place on earth to the darkest in the space of seconds. All the memories from when it was bad come to the surface and you could easily sink into a black hole if you let yourself. Yet again, when I went to Switzerland last December, my skin started coming up and in my head I was already planning how I could get out of the country and move back in with my mum. It's a shame as because of that, I truly missed out on the beauty of where I was - I was surrounded by this literal winter wonderland and instead all I could see were dark clouds. Once more, my skin quickly calmed down. I am writing this from Switzerland but this time my mindset is totally different - I feel my skin coming up slightly on my lips and hands but I have decided to embrace this experience and just live for every moment and even though I am here for work, I am loving every minute of it.

(I should quickly say that the skin 'problems' I have experienced since I got better have been minor and not impacted my life - for the most part it's been the best skin of my life!)

For me TSW has been incredibly positive and I couldn't feel more grateful for the experience but I think with this blog I need to cover absolutely everything that I have gone through. I am getting more and more emails from you all about anxiety and I want you to know you are not alone. Also, I feel this is very important to mention: don't feel you have to be 'I'M SO POSITIVE!' every moment of the day - it's impossible to feel like that and sometimes you just need to give in to those emotions and ride with them because they will pass.

We are all in this together.
Cara xxx

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