TSW tears on Valentine's Day

If my memory serves me correctly, I cried three times during topical steroid withdrawal. Don't get me wrong, I cried many times through that period, and I'm still recovering from watching the film War Horse, but I'm talking more specifically about TSW being the cause, and in that case, I can only think of three occasions where I really let the tears fall.

The first time I cried I think I was well over a month into withdrawal – more like two – so we are talking about a time where I was full body flaring. On that particular day, I also experienced nerve pain and the feeling of bugs crawling all over my skin – plus, I was just so tired from the sheer lack of sleep and completely confused and scared that I burst into tears of futility. The second time I cried was a few months later and was once more down to a mix of tiredness, pain and fear. I even remember where I was sitting when I cried. Strange the details you remember sometimes.

The third time was on Valentine's Day two years ago. For a while up to that point I'd not been doing so well. My hands seemed to want to outdo themselves on how bad they could get, I was SO uncomfortable and I had really started to let doubt in. No matter how positive your approach to withdrawal is, chances are you are going to feel a little scared/doubtful/worried from time to time.

Before I elaborate any further, I'll attach some photos so you can see exactly what my skin was like around that time:

Well anyway, as the day wore on, all I seemed to see online were girls excited to get ready to go out that night – they were getting their hair done, putting make-up on and wearing fabulous clothes. There wasn't a specific image or person that sent me over the edge, but all of a sudden I was crying – really crying. I wept for the life that had been taken away from me. I wept for not being able to do the same as those girls. I wept for not knowing when (or if) I'd get better. I wept hard. I hasten to add this had pretty much nothing to do with the man/date itself – more knowing that I couldn’t do anything I wanted to. At this point I couldn't even leave the house or, let's be real, change out of my pyjamas. Ultimately, I just wanted to be a woman again and didn't care whether it was going out with a group of girlfriends for the night or just having the choice, but I think that was definitely the lowest day of my withdrawal. When I then add that only a mere six months later my skin suddenly transformed, I think it says a lot. Even now, I am learning to be more open-minded about anything that comes my way as even the smallest rash can still be the catalyst to a breakdown ... but after all these experiences and years of having to second guess what my skin is going to do, I am trying to retain some faith that everything is going to be ok – and so far, it is. I sit here with skin I never dreamed I'd have in my life – no topical steroids, no immunosuppressants ... the list goes on.

This year I'm most likely watching Gilmore Girls (my new favourite thing) then Sex and the City with my mum, who I live with, which might not sound like a twenty-something woman (nearing thirty – I'm in denial) living life to the full, but it's my choice. The reason quite simply is that I have not met a man I want to date and since going through TSW, my standards have pretty much skyrocketed. I feel like I deserve more now and know what I want. In reality, that means I am holding out for an exact replica of Tom Selleck. If you have read my trichotillomania diary, you'll know I've been single for a long time and I can most definitely already hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet (I'm talking about the cats, naturally) waiting for me to welcome them into their new home as I more than likely enter my thirties single ... en route to the convent.

If you are going to be indoors tonight in your pyjamas because you are not well enough, or, you are better like me but choosing to stay indoors, let's make a pact regardless that the person we say we love this year is ourselves. The love of Yourself is by far the hardest partner you will ever have to woo. So, from one friend to another, I want you to look in the mirror and say, 'I love you' today because you are SO worth it.

Wishing you the happiest of Valentine's Days <3
Cara x

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