Some TSW-related thoughts

Since I've started writing a book about my experience of going through TSW (which I announced *here*), it has forced me to think about a lot of things I've tried to forget but seeing as I am very close to reaching four years of topical steroid withdrawal, I thought I'd share some thoughts that have been on my mind lately.

One thing in particular that has amazed me is how TSW, which was such a huge part of my life for so long, now feels like some kind of dream and it is only in the moments where I get a rash and my anxiety goes into overdrive, or I really force myself to think about the experience, do I remember what I have been through – the scratching, the sleepless nights, the oozing ... all of it. Now, it all feels like it happened to someone else … but how can something that was my life now feel like it never existed?

I suppose it's a pretty fortunate question to find myself pondering but still, I'm stunned how easily I've been able to forget just how hard those two plus years were. I suppose pain is like that though, isn't it? I remember years ago when I'd just had two wisdom teeth out and got an infection, the pain was unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life, and as I sat in A&E feeling like I would never be comfortable again, I made a solemn vow that I would never take my health for granted ... but of course, I forgot all about that and carried on with my life – or perhaps you have a particularly bad period pain that is severe enough to make you never want to have children ... until you feel better and get all broody. Pain is temporary and to anyone reading this, there will be a time where you’ll forget all this discomfort and pain you are going through and be able to appreciate the present. Don't get me wrong though, I am still healing from TSW mentally but physically, I think I've moved on and soon, I know my mind will follow.

Over time, as my hands have gone from strength to strength, I find myself looking at them almost in awe, completely baffled that the skin has healed the way it has. I have said this before but looking at my hands at certain points during the second year of withdrawal especially was as if I was looking at someone else's hands. Now, I can't for the life of me remember exactly how it felt to not be able to move them properly or the pain of scratching them until they bled.

Even though I have forgotten so much of the pain I went through during TSW, one thing is for certain: I will NEVER take anything for granted again – whether it’s my health, just feeling comfortable or knowing what a pleasure it is to do something as simple as feeling the sun on my skin. The small moments are precious to me, and I will do everything in my power to hold onto them.

I don't know if there was much point in posting this, but I feel like it has been bubbling up inside me for a while now and I hope it at least helped someone out there remember that one day, TSW will be a part of their past too.

Cara xxxx

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