This post was inspired by a photo that came up on Facebook a while ago informing me it was taken exactly seven years ago. When I saw it again, I was shocked - not only because it can't have been seven years ago (WHERE IS THE TIME GOING!?!) but more than anything, because I couldn't believe how thin my eyebrows were. It got me thinking about what other photos of me have been taken over the years that show signs of the compulsions I tried my best to hide from the world for so long. I don't have many photos from my teens (the time when I started picking and pulling) because I threw a lot of them away as it was a generally unhappy time for me and in those photos, either my eczema was bad and I didn't want to be reminded of it, or I could see in my eyes how unhappy I was. If there are any teenagers reading this who are struggling and have been told your formative years are the best time of your life, ignore them.
After doing some digging, I managed to find quite a few photos which to anyone else, might look like there is nothing else going on but to me, tell a very different story. Like I said, these photos only offer a glimpse that there was anything wrong as I became a master of hiding my compulsions. A small part of me wishes I had taken photos of my skin when my trichotillomania and dermatillomania was at its worst, like I have with my TSW journey, but to be perfectly honest, I'm glad I don't have any as I'm not sure I ever want to see what I actually did to myself. Some things are best left in the past.
I have said before that the lines between my trichotillomania and dermatillomania are blurred as in the past I have had to really pick at my skin to get out a hair but regardless, damage is damage - whether it's down to trich or derma.
I hope the photos help anyone suffering with either condition remember that they are not the only ones fighting or hiding something because they feel embarrassed, scared or alone.
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The following photo was taken on 16th July 2007. I was pretty good at covering all the marks I made with concealer but there were some that even make-up couldn't cover so may I present to you, my right eyebrow for inspection.
The photo on the left is from New Year's Eve 2009 and the photo on the right is from 11th February 2010. Around the time these photos were taken, I think I'd call myself a 'high-functioning' trichster, which meant I was still pulling, but was able to keep the destruction I normally caused down. At the time, I had a boyfriend and found that when I wasn't single, it was easier to control my compulsions ... I suppose the knowledge someone is going to see your skin is a pretty good incentive not to.
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I hadn't been on my singing channel until recently when my mum looked at one of my old videos and showed me my eyebrows. In two particular videos (here) and (here), my eyebrows look almost drawn in. Eye pencils as a means of hiding my trich has never worked out well for me...
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The next couple of photos are from two separate occasions in October 2011 where I'd just done a lot of damage to my legs. In the photo on the left, I was scared because I thought I had given myself a serious infection and in the photo on the right I remember feeling really upset because my legs were so bad and thought I would never be able to wear them bare again. I just felt awful but what do you see in these photos? A girl smiling, carefree... Looks can be deceiving. You might see a person and conjure up all these images of their life but remember, most people are putting on a front, hiding their fears and problems from everyone. In both photos I was with people I cared about and still enjoyed myself but the thought of the state of my legs was constantly gnawing at my insides.
When I was going through TSW, I was a little more lenient with photos of myself as, let's be real, my skin wasn't looking its best, so what's a few more scabs and wounds? The photo on the left is from Friday 26th July 2013 and the photo on the right is from Friday 6th September 2013.
Even full body flaring couldn't stop me from picking/pulling at my legs and the only reason I took this in the first place was because I was going through a MUCH calmer phase with my compulsions (along with a cleverly angled camera), taken on Saturday 14th December 2013. Even with a more relaxed attitude to showing my skin, my legs were still an area that I was uneasy photographing and that is why I have so few photos of my legs throughout withdrawal.
I don't think I need to elaborate on the next photo, taken on Wednesday 8th October 2014.
The next two photos were taken very shortly after recovering from TSW (on Monday 17th August 2015 & Sunday 30th August 2015). I let the little 'misdemeanors' slide on my eyebrows as they didn't look too bad...
And lastly, one final photo of my legs taken on Sunday 8th November 2015, cut off just before my Trich/Derma got bad. The few marks shown were only a preview of what happened 'off camera'.
Cara xxxx
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