A letter to my TSW self

Next Wednesday will mark exactly a year since I got better. Incredibly, just a few days before things suddenly changed for me, my future was hazy. I remember when I passed my second year TSW anniversary last June I felt, to be perfectly honest, a little cheated – I had made massive progress but was stuck in this long, stagnant phase and was still really struggling with my hands and left ankle to the point where it significantly limited what I could do each day. In celebration of my upcoming landmark, I thought I'd write a letter to the me of a year ago in the hope it can help some of you who are fed up and losing faith in TSW.

Cara xxxx

Dear tired & lost Cara of July/August 2015,

You have been dealing with this isolating, debilitating condition for over two years now. Most of the medical profession don't believe what you are going through is real with one doctor saying there's a quicker way to recover if you start his treatment plan involving topical steroids again, the people who you know and love are wondering if you are doing the right thing and even you (though you will never actually admit it) have questioned if whether going through this was just one giant mistake. You can't even wash your own hair or wear shoes much because your ankle is swollen and on top of that, you sweat like a waterfall if you so much as sneeze. You look at old pictures of yourself and ask why you never appreciated what you took for granted and are constantly thinking, will I ever look like that again?

Darling Cara (you may be shocked at the term of endearment you have given to yourself, but in the next year you will realise you need to love yourself), in a matter of days something miraculous will happen: you are going to get better. You are going to wake up one morning, look in the mirror and see someone new. You are going to be beyond ecstatic in the months to come but also terrified that it is all just an illusion and in turn, be constantly preparing for the worst at any moment. It'll take you a while, but there will come a time when you realise nothing is guaranteed and you will start to force yourself to live for every single moment and appreciate this new skin you have worked so hard for. Go feel the sun on your skin (maybe wear a hat though, because you end up collecting a few more freckles than you should), eat the damn chocolate (because it won't make a blind bit of difference) and revel in all the mistakes you will make as this time next year, you'll realise just how much you have learnt about yourself. You are going to change a lot, and it's going to feel uncomfortable for a long time, but wonderfully you will learn that without going through topical steroid withdrawal, you would never have been able to become the person you are today.

(And please scratch that desperately itchy skin if you need to.)

Love
Cara of the 14th August 2016 xxx

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