Some TSW-related thoughts

Since I've started writing a book about my experience of going through TSW (which I announced *here*), it has forced me to think about a lot of things I've tried to forget but seeing as I am very close to reaching four years of topical steroid withdrawal, I thought I'd share some thoughts that have been on my mind lately.

One thing in particular that has amazed me is how TSW, which was such a huge part of my life for so long, now feels like some kind of dream and it is only in the moments where I get a rash and my anxiety goes into overdrive, or I really force myself to think about the experience, do I remember what I have been through – the scratching, the sleepless nights, the oozing ... all of it. Now, it all feels like it happened to someone else … but how can something that was my life now feel like it never existed?

I suppose it's a pretty fortunate question to find myself pondering but still, I'm stunned how easily I've been able to forget just how hard those two plus years were. I suppose pain is like that though, isn't it? I remember years ago when I'd just had two wisdom teeth out and got an infection, the pain was unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life, and as I sat in A&E feeling like I would never be comfortable again, I made a solemn vow that I would never take my health for granted ... but of course, I forgot all about that and carried on with my life – or perhaps you have a particularly bad period pain that is severe enough to make you never want to have children ... until you feel better and get all broody. Pain is temporary and to anyone reading this, there will be a time where you’ll forget all this discomfort and pain you are going through and be able to appreciate the present. Don't get me wrong though, I am still healing from TSW mentally but physically, I think I've moved on and soon, I know my mind will follow.

Over time, as my hands have gone from strength to strength, I find myself looking at them almost in awe, completely baffled that the skin has healed the way it has. I have said this before but looking at my hands at certain points during the second year of withdrawal especially was as if I was looking at someone else's hands. Now, I can't for the life of me remember exactly how it felt to not be able to move them properly or the pain of scratching them until they bled.

Even though I have forgotten so much of the pain I went through during TSW, one thing is for certain: I will NEVER take anything for granted again – whether it’s my health, just feeling comfortable or knowing what a pleasure it is to do something as simple as feeling the sun on my skin. The small moments are precious to me, and I will do everything in my power to hold onto them.

I don't know if there was much point in posting this, but I feel like it has been bubbling up inside me for a while now and I hope it at least helped someone out there remember that one day, TSW will be a part of their past too.

Cara xxxx

Mind Medicine

I am excited to share this post with you as it relates to something that has had a big effect on me: therapy.

If you had told me five years ago that I would be saying that I would have thought you were joking because for most of my life, I found the notion of therapy, and psychiatry in general, a total waste of time – besides, I was 'fine', I didn't need it ... Then along came TSW which changed my perspective on everything. Suddenly, I was more open-minded and willing to see things a little differently.

Earlier this month I was offered a complimentary session at The Blue Tree Clinic in Wimpole Street, London, and it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I felt, for some reason, relieved. I think the idea of therapy had been building up inside me for many months so the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

I have discussed my battle with anxiety and panic attacks in the past and the fact that I definitely think I have some kind of PTSD from going through withdrawal. I have also discussed how meditation has been beneficial for my symptoms, but the problem with meditation, even though it is wonderful, is that it acts like a balm, masking problems, making everything appear to be better, but not actually getting to the root cause. I suppose it works a bit like topical steroids – suppressing symptoms instead of treating them then when you stop, BAM! Hello anxiety, how I've missed you, old friend ...

When I am in the throes of anxiety, it feels like I am in a caught in a tornado, trapped in the centre, my thoughts twisted, and you cannot understand what is happening as it is all moving so fast – but then suddenly, it's gone again, leaving you shaken and confused. It can come out of nowhere, too, leaving you no time to process your thoughts as your mind is spinning at such an alarming rate, and you try to think, to gain perspective, but you can't as you are already swept away by it.

At The Blue Tree Clinic, I first spoke with psychiatrist Dr Mark Silvert who then referred me to Dr Hadassah Lipszyc, a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist. We had our session on Thursday 25th May 2017 and I thought it might be helpful to blog about my experience. 

The session started with us talking about my background and everything I had been through with my skin. Going into it, I had this fear I would find it hard talking to essentially a stranger about things I wouldn't even share with some of my friends, but it didn't take long before I was at ease and comfortable enough to say exactly how I was feeling.  

I will obviously not be going into any detail about what was said, but we discussed many ways I could potentially manage my anxiety when it strikes, and also come to terms with some of the events that have shaped my life. She made me see things from another perspective and gave me some tools to help me combat my anxiety through a mixture of breathing techniques and shifting my way of thinking, turning the tables on how I view my anxiety.

What surprised me was how much we were able to cover in one forty-five-minute session. Her advice and understanding about the way our minds rationalise things was spot on and afterwards, I started doing a lot of thinking. Suddenly, I had all these feelings bubbling up inside me, almost as if they were coming to the surface, and I felt like I had opened wounds that wouldn't close until I found a way to heal them. I cannot begin to comprehend how beneficial regular therapy would be, and even though my session was complementary, it's certainly not my last. In the last four years, I feel like I have tackled all these huge personal milestones, like TSW and Trichotillomania, but there is still this gaping hole left by anxiety that needs to be addressed.

What I think the biggest gift of therapy is is that it truly makes you realise that you are not alone – all these terrible feelings you experience manifest in others, too. We are all so different, but at the same time, so very similar. We should take comfort in the fact that everyone is going through something and there is nothing wrong with you as you are only human.

I would like to thank Dr Mark Silvert and Dr Hadassah Lipszyc at The Blue Tree Clinic for this wonderful opportunity.

I hope you have found this post helpful, and for more information on The Blue Tree Clinic, you can visit their website, www.thebluetreeclinic.com.

You are not alone.
Cara xxxx