The secret me

Just to warn you in advance, this post isn't about Topical Steroid Withdrawal but another skin journey I have been on that I finally feel comfortable sharing. I hope you will bear with me as even the thought of writing about this part of my life and knowing others will be aware of what I have done is terrifying but I feel in order to really get to a place where it doesn't control my life anymore, I've got to get it out in the open.

For well over sixteen years I have suffered with the conditions Trichotillomania (a compulsion to pull out your hair) and Dermatillomania (a compulsion to pick your skin). They are both classed as a Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior (BFRB) which 'is an umbrella name for impulse control behaviors involving compulsively damaging one's physical appearance or causing physical injury' (ta Wiki). To me they have always been one and the same thing that I have put under the bracket of 'picking' although I would say that my Trichotillomania has always been in a completely new league to the Dermatillomania as I have done the most damage to my skin when it has involved getting a hair out, if that makes sense ... but I've had my moments. Trichotillomania is most commonly associated with pulling out the hair on your head but that has never been something I've ever had the slightest compulsion to do - my problem areas have been the face and body. Over the years it has ranged from ok to severe but even in the better times, there was never a period where I felt free from it and in over sixteen years, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't pull hair out. Until Friday 7th October 2016. On that day, at exactly 2.24pm, after years spent making empty promises, I knew the time had finally come to let go of this part of my life.

However that wasn't some magical resolution, all it meant was that I had finally made a decision I was going to stick with no matter what as deep down, I knew it was now or never. It hasn't been easy, far from it. With Topical Steroid Withdrawal it was somewhat out of my hands - I didn't use steroid cream so BAM, all these awful symptoms happened and yes, it was of course harder than anything I had ever expeienced in my life but the process in a way was simple: don't use steroid cream and you'll eventually get better - ah cool. Beating Trichotillomania on the other hand is a new beast entirely; it is trying to overcome this ingrained compulsion that has been a huge part of my existence for well over half my life. For me, it's primarily a habitual thing but in the past it's also been my stress relief, a dear friend, my worst enemy and my drug. It came into my life at a time I was my unhappiest: secondary school. A place I was made to feel worthless and along came Trichotillomania that offered this confused teenage girl some control. Pull hairs out and everything will be ok again.

My twenties have been somewhat strange. When others my age were out having a FABULOUS time, I was locked in the bathroom picking my legs until they were red raw - and I'm not even throwing in the curveball of TSW. I feel as a generation we are constantly bombarded with everyone's perfect lives and as a twenty-something woman living now, I feel like there is this overwhelming pressure to have an incredible life filled with experiences that I'm meant to remember forever and countless holidays taking photos of my thin, bronzed hot dog legs. Life is not like that. It's wonderful and it's strange and raw and all these extremes but those images of people's perfect lives are not real.

The photo I have included with this post is a big deal for me. It was taken this morning straight after shaving with a razor. Sounds stupid I know but the idea of even taking a photo like this has felt at times as likely as riding a unicorn over a rainbow. Somehow it has now become my reality and it feels extraordinary.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm cured of my Trichotillomania, it has been more a journey to attain a kind of freedom I have craved so badly for years. Really, the journey started over three years ago when I stopped using topical steroids. My dependence on those drugs left me feeling trapped and after a long battle, I came through the other side with healthy skin and a kind of freedom I'd never had in my life and it was only for going through TSW that I knew I had the strength to free myself from this final captor, Trichotillomania. As of this moment, there is not a single scab on my skin. I have some scars but I can live with that - we all have them, whether they are visible or trapped in your mind. So here is yet another thing I have to thank TSW for.

Apart from my Mum, cousin and two of my closest friends, I have kept my Trichotillomania a secret because it has always felt to me like this dirty thing, something to be ashamed of - until recently, when I realised it's just a part of who I am - or was, at least I hope so anyway. I wrote a diary of my Trichotillomania journey, something I wish I had done with TSW and I am amazed in such a short space of time how I have changed. You start working on your mind, and the rest follows.

My hope in talking about this is that no matter what you might be going through, you are not alone - we all have these parts of us that we are scared to share for fear of rejection or ridicule. We worry that our faults make us weak when in reality, they only make us stronger.

Here's to celebrating our flaws and growing from them <3

Cara xxxx