Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania Journals available now

Just a quick one – I'm excited to share that I've published three journals for people living with Trichotillomania (hair-pulling disorder), Dermatillomania (skin-picking disorder), or both, like me. 

Journaling was something that was very important to me when I learned how to manage my own compulsions with Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania, and I've essentially designed them with me in mind and what would have helped me. 

Two pages are allocated per day. At the start of every entry, you'll find a new tip, reminder, quote, or empowering message to keep you going on your journey to recovery. This is followed by a series of questions to help you track your feelings and progress. The second page is left blank so you can freely write about your ups and downs, how you’ve been feeling, or anything you want.

Inside this journal, you will find twelve weeks of daily entries designed to help you track your progress and share your feelings. You can start on any day and write in the journal as frequently or infrequently as you want. 

As always, the most important thing to mention is that you won't magically be cured by simply filling in a journal (I wrote my entries on word), but they are something which can support you on your journey to recovery. If you feel one of these journals might be able to help you, and you won't be financially affected as a result of buying one, they are there if you need them. 

As I said above, there are three separate journals in the series: My Trichotillomania Journal, My Dermatillomania Journal, and My Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania Journal. I will share the Amazon links for the books below.

Amazon links to My Trichotillomania Journal, broken down by country:

UK (here)

US (here)

Canada (here)

Australia (here)

Poland (here)

Sweden (here)

Germany (here)

France (here)

Spain (here)

Italy (here)

Netherlands (here)

Japan (here)

Amazon links to My Dermatillomania Journal, broken down by country:

UK (here)

US (here)

Canada (here)

Australia (here)

Poland (here)

Sweden (here)

Germany (here)

France (here)

Spain (here)

Italy (here)

Netherlands (here)

Japan (here)

Amazon links to My Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania Journal, broken down by country:

UK (here)

US (here)

Canada (here)

Australia (here)

Poland (here)

Sweden (here)

Germany (here)

France (here)

Spain (here)

Italy (here)

Netherlands (here)

Japan (here)

Sending love & healing always,

Cara x

Trich Pics

This post was inspired by a photo that came up on Facebook a while ago informing me it was taken exactly seven years ago. When I saw it again, I was shocked - not only because it can't have been seven years ago (WHERE IS THE TIME GOING!?!) but more than anything, because I couldn't believe how thin my eyebrows were. It got me thinking about what other photos of me have been taken over the years that show signs of the compulsions I tried my best to hide from the world for so long. I don't have many photos from my teens (the time when I started picking and pulling) because I threw a lot of them away as it was a generally unhappy time for me and in those photos, either my eczema was bad and I didn't want to be reminded of it, or I could see in my eyes how unhappy I was. If there are any teenagers reading this who are struggling and have been told your formative years are the best time of your life, ignore them.

After doing some digging, I managed to find quite a few photos which to anyone else, might look like there is nothing else going on but to me, tell a very different story. Like I said, these photos only offer a glimpse that there was anything wrong as I became a master of hiding my compulsions. A small part of me wishes I had taken photos of my skin when my trichotillomania and dermatillomania was at its worst, like I have with my TSW journey, but to be perfectly honest, I'm glad I don't have any as I'm not sure I ever want to see what I actually did to myself. Some things are best left in the past.

I have said before that the lines between my trichotillomania and dermatillomania are blurred as in the past I have had to really pick at my skin to get out a hair but regardless, damage is damage - whether it's down to trich or derma.

I hope the photos help anyone suffering with either condition remember that they are not the only ones fighting or hiding something because they feel embarrassed, scared or alone.

***

The following photo was taken on 16th July 2007. I was pretty good at covering all the marks I made with concealer but there were some that even make-up couldn't cover so may I present to you, my right eyebrow for inspection.

The photo on the left is from New Year's Eve 2009 and the photo on the right is from 11th February 2010. Around the time these photos were taken, I think I'd call myself a 'high-functioning' trichster, which meant I was still pulling, but was able to keep the destruction I normally caused down. At the time, I had a boyfriend and found that when I wasn't single, it was easier to control my compulsions ... I suppose the knowledge someone is going to see your skin is a pretty good incentive not to.

***

I hadn't been on my singing channel until recently when my mum looked at one of my old videos and showed me my eyebrows. In two particular videos (here) and (here), my eyebrows look almost drawn in. Eye pencils as a means of hiding my trich has never worked out well for me...

***

The next couple of photos are from two separate occasions in October 2011 where I'd just done a lot of damage to my legs. In the photo on the left, I was scared because I thought I had given myself a serious infection and in the photo on the right I remember feeling really upset because my legs were so bad and thought I would never be able to wear them bare again. I just felt awful but what do you see in these photos? A girl smiling, carefree... Looks can be deceiving. You might see a person and conjure up all these images of their life but remember, most people are putting on a front, hiding their fears and problems from everyone. In both photos I was with people I cared about and still enjoyed myself but the thought of the state of my legs was constantly gnawing at my insides. 

When I was going through TSW, I was a little more lenient with photos of myself as, let's be real, my skin wasn't looking its best, so what's a few more scabs and wounds? The photo on the left is from Friday 26th July 2013 and the photo on the right is from Friday 6th September 2013.

Even full body flaring couldn't stop me from picking/pulling at my legs and the only reason I took this in the first place was because I was going through a MUCH calmer phase with my compulsions (along with a cleverly angled camera), taken on Saturday 14th December 2013. Even with a more relaxed attitude to showing my skin, my legs were still an area that I was uneasy photographing and that is why I have so few photos of my legs throughout withdrawal.

I don't think I need to elaborate on the next photo, taken on Wednesday 8th October 2014.

The next two photos were taken very shortly after recovering from TSW (on Monday 17th August 2015 & Sunday 30th August 2015). I let the little 'misdemeanors' slide on my eyebrows as they didn't look too bad...

And lastly, one final photo of my legs taken on Sunday 8th November 2015, cut off just before my Trich/Derma got bad. The few marks shown were only a preview of what happened 'off camera'.

Love & hugs
Cara xxxx

The secret me

Just to warn you in advance, this post isn't about Topical Steroid Withdrawal but another skin journey I have been on that I finally feel comfortable sharing. I hope you will bear with me as even the thought of writing about this part of my life and knowing others will be aware of what I have done is terrifying but I feel in order to really get to a place where it doesn't control my life anymore, I've got to get it out in the open.

For well over sixteen years I have suffered with the conditions Trichotillomania (a compulsion to pull out your hair) and Dermatillomania (a compulsion to pick your skin). They are both classed as a Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior (BFRB) which 'is an umbrella name for impulse control behaviors involving compulsively damaging one's physical appearance or causing physical injury' (ta Wiki). To me they have always been one and the same thing that I have put under the bracket of 'picking' although I would say that my Trichotillomania has always been in a completely new league to the Dermatillomania as I have done the most damage to my skin when it has involved getting a hair out, if that makes sense ... but I've had my moments. Trichotillomania is most commonly associated with pulling out the hair on your head but that has never been something I've ever had the slightest compulsion to do - my problem areas have been the face and body. Over the years it has ranged from ok to severe but even in the better times, there was never a period where I felt free from it and in over sixteen years, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't pull hair out. Until Friday 7th October 2016. On that day, at exactly 2.24pm, after years spent making empty promises, I knew the time had finally come to let go of this part of my life.

However that wasn't some magical resolution, all it meant was that I had finally made a decision I was going to stick with no matter what as deep down, I knew it was now or never. It hasn't been easy, far from it. With Topical Steroid Withdrawal it was somewhat out of my hands - I didn't use steroid cream so BAM, all these awful symptoms happened and yes, it was of course harder than anything I had ever expeienced in my life but the process in a way was simple: don't use steroid cream and you'll eventually get better - ah cool. Beating Trichotillomania on the other hand is a new beast entirely; it is trying to overcome this ingrained compulsion that has been a huge part of my existence for well over half my life. For me, it's primarily a habitual thing but in the past it's also been my stress relief, a dear friend, my worst enemy and my drug. It came into my life at a time I was my unhappiest: secondary school. A place I was made to feel worthless and along came Trichotillomania that offered this confused teenage girl some control. Pull hairs out and everything will be ok again.

My twenties have been somewhat strange. When others my age were out having a FABULOUS time, I was locked in the bathroom picking my legs until they were red raw - and I'm not even throwing in the curveball of TSW. I feel as a generation we are constantly bombarded with everyone's perfect lives and as a twenty-something woman living now, I feel like there is this overwhelming pressure to have an incredible life filled with experiences that I'm meant to remember forever and countless holidays taking photos of my thin, bronzed hot dog legs. Life is not like that. It's wonderful and it's strange and raw and all these extremes but those images of people's perfect lives are not real.

The photo I have included with this post is a big deal for me. It was taken this morning straight after shaving with a razor. Sounds stupid I know but the idea of even taking a photo like this has felt at times as likely as riding a unicorn over a rainbow. Somehow it has now become my reality and it feels extraordinary.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm cured of my Trichotillomania, it has been more a journey to attain a kind of freedom I have craved so badly for years. Really, the journey started over three years ago when I stopped using topical steroids. My dependence on those drugs left me feeling trapped and after a long battle, I came through the other side with healthy skin and a kind of freedom I'd never had in my life and it was only for going through TSW that I knew I had the strength to free myself from this final captor, Trichotillomania. As of this moment, there is not a single scab on my skin. I have some scars but I can live with that - we all have them, whether they are visible or trapped in your mind. So here is yet another thing I have to thank TSW for.

Apart from my Mum, cousin and two of my closest friends, I have kept my Trichotillomania a secret because it has always felt to me like this dirty thing, something to be ashamed of - until recently, when I realised it's just a part of who I am - or was, at least I hope so anyway. I wrote a diary of my Trichotillomania journey, something I wish I had done with TSW and I am amazed in such a short space of time how I have changed. You start working on your mind, and the rest follows.

My hope in talking about this is that no matter what you might be going through, you are not alone - we all have these parts of us that we are scared to share for fear of rejection or ridicule. We worry that our faults make us weak when in reality, they only make us stronger.

Here's to celebrating our flaws and growing from them <3

Cara xxxx