The secret me

Just to warn you in advance, this post isn't about Topical Steroid Withdrawal but another skin journey I have been on that I finally feel comfortable sharing. I hope you will bear with me as even the thought of writing about this part of my life and knowing others will be aware of what I have done is terrifying but I feel in order to really get to a place where it doesn't control my life anymore, I've got to get it out in the open.

For well over sixteen years I have suffered with the conditions Trichotillomania (a compulsion to pull out your hair) and Dermatillomania (a compulsion to pick your skin). They are both classed as a Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior (BFRB) which 'is an umbrella name for impulse control behaviors involving compulsively damaging one's physical appearance or causing physical injury' (ta Wiki). To me they have always been one and the same thing that I have put under the bracket of 'picking' although I would say that my Trichotillomania has always been in a completely new league to the Dermatillomania as I have done the most damage to my skin when it has involved getting a hair out, if that makes sense ... but I've had my moments. Trichotillomania is most commonly associated with pulling out the hair on your head but that has never been something I've ever had the slightest compulsion to do - my problem areas have been the face and body. Over the years it has ranged from ok to severe but even in the better times, there was never a period where I felt free from it and in over sixteen years, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't pull hair out. Until Friday 7th October 2016. On that day, at exactly 2.24pm, after years spent making empty promises, I knew the time had finally come to let go of this part of my life.

However that wasn't some magical resolution, all it meant was that I had finally made a decision I was going to stick with no matter what as deep down, I knew it was now or never. It hasn't been easy, far from it. With Topical Steroid Withdrawal it was somewhat out of my hands - I didn't use steroid cream so BAM, all these awful symptoms happened and yes, it was of course harder than anything I had ever expeienced in my life but the process in a way was simple: don't use steroid cream and you'll eventually get better - ah cool. Beating Trichotillomania on the other hand is a new beast entirely; it is trying to overcome this ingrained compulsion that has been a huge part of my existence for well over half my life. For me, it's primarily a habitual thing but in the past it's also been my stress relief, a dear friend, my worst enemy and my drug. It came into my life at a time I was my unhappiest: secondary school. A place I was made to feel worthless and along came Trichotillomania that offered this confused teenage girl some control. Pull hairs out and everything will be ok again.

My twenties have been somewhat strange. When others my age were out having a FABULOUS time, I was locked in the bathroom picking my legs until they were red raw - and I'm not even throwing in the curveball of TSW. I feel as a generation we are constantly bombarded with everyone's perfect lives and as a twenty-something woman living now, I feel like there is this overwhelming pressure to have an incredible life filled with experiences that I'm meant to remember forever and countless holidays taking photos of my thin, bronzed hot dog legs. Life is not like that. It's wonderful and it's strange and raw and all these extremes but those images of people's perfect lives are not real.

The photo I have included with this post is a big deal for me. It was taken this morning straight after shaving with a razor. Sounds stupid I know but the idea of even taking a photo like this has felt at times as likely as riding a unicorn over a rainbow. Somehow it has now become my reality and it feels extraordinary.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm cured of my Trichotillomania, it has been more a journey to attain a kind of freedom I have craved so badly for years. Really, the journey started over three years ago when I stopped using topical steroids. My dependence on those drugs left me feeling trapped and after a long battle, I came through the other side with healthy skin and a kind of freedom I'd never had in my life and it was only for going through TSW that I knew I had the strength to free myself from this final captor, Trichotillomania. As of this moment, there is not a single scab on my skin. I have some scars but I can live with that - we all have them, whether they are visible or trapped in your mind. So here is yet another thing I have to thank TSW for.

Apart from my Mum, cousin and two of my closest friends, I have kept my Trichotillomania a secret because it has always felt to me like this dirty thing, something to be ashamed of - until recently, when I realised it's just a part of who I am - or was, at least I hope so anyway. I wrote a diary of my Trichotillomania journey, something I wish I had done with TSW and I am amazed in such a short space of time how I have changed. You start working on your mind, and the rest follows.

My hope in talking about this is that no matter what you might be going through, you are not alone - we all have these parts of us that we are scared to share for fear of rejection or ridicule. We worry that our faults make us weak when in reality, they only make us stronger.

Here's to celebrating our flaws and growing from them <3

Cara xxxx

5 QUESTIONS WITH: Josh from Redskinrecoverydiary

It's Monday and that means it's time for another 5 QUESTIONS WITH featuring Josh who runs the blog redskinrecoverydiary (here) and the brilliant YouTube channel (here). I'm not going to lie, I slightly fangirled when Josh agreed to feature on my blog. Like Nina who I interviewed a while ago (here), he is a total skin hero of mine. When I started TSW back in 2013, to put it bluntly there was a general bleakness surrounding our condition - I'd go on the ITSAN forum and leave totally depressed. Back then, it was pretty scary as you were mostly going on blind faith that you were doing the right thing so when you add on top of that all the suffering I was reading about daily, it was hard to stay resolute. Everything changed when I discovered Josh's YouTube channel and when I say I am grateful for his videos, it's the understatement of the century. Amidst the sea of doom and gloom that at times felt like it was drowning me, Josh offered a refreshing alternative with his positive, chilled out attitude - he made it seem that even though he was suffering badly, it was no big deal and it would all sort itself out in the end, which it did. Every single day I suffered I would watch his videos that document his entire journey back to health and I don't think I could ever thank him enough. I will never forget the extraordinary impact his videos and blog had on my withdrawal and in part, I think that is why I have continued to document my recovery as I know how important it is to see that there is an end to all this madness.

All photos featured in this post are taken from his fantastic blog http://redskinrecoverydiary.blogspot.co.uk/ with kind permission from Josh. *Squeals with excitement* I'll hand it over to Josh:

1) Tell us a little bit about yourself and your skin journey.
I'm a really active, outgoing guy. I've always had a great life, love people and love being around them. My skin was fine, no skin issues at all, right up until I was about 16. Then some red rashes appeared before a big hockey game and a doctor prescribed cortisone tablets. I didn't realise, but eczema started to appear for the first time. I went to dermatologists and they gave me cortisone tubes. I wasn't using much at all, maybe a thumb full every month or so, but this increased over time. Over time I used more and more of it and the redness kept coming back bigger and worse... but slowly, I didn't notice it was getting worse.

As it got worse and worse I started visiting more and more dermatologists, always getting the same advice. They kept telling me cortisone was the solution and to use lots of it, get it under control, then take precautions like cold showers etc. It got to the point where my arms were constantly red... bright red. My face would go flushed at the drop of a hat, even smelling booze would make me go BRIGHT red. At this stage I was uncomfortable as hell. I wouldn't go swimming, or drink alcohol or anything that would irritate it, but I wasn't going to give up sport. I used to play football on Saturday and my skin was so weak I would come back covered in deep bruises and bright red inflammation. I would then put a whole tube of cortisone on me, and lay in bed for a few hours. This inflammation robbed me of energy and left me constantly tired.

2) How did you find out about TSW?

One day, after years of Googling for answers, and asking dermatologists if there were alternative treatments (food etc.), it all changed.  I found a Google Images picture of a man's arm, and it was bright red, just like mine. I followed the link and found TSW. This led me to find research in the area, and a small group of people who had all gone off it cold turkey. Now I had passion. I spent hundreds of hours finding others who were going through this. At this time there was very little information out there... but I found it. I was 100% convinced this was me, and immediately decided to get off the cortisone.

*Josh in month 3 of withdrawal*

Immediately after quitting cortisone my body started falling apart. What pleased me about this, was it was congruent with everyone else I had read about. It convinced me, I had finally found the answer. I was lucky to meet Jake & Libby. Jake had been recovering for over a year before I started. They lived nearby and drove to my house immediately to meet me. They were the extra support I needed (on top of my amazing parents) to convince me to stay the course.

3) Did you find that anything aided your healing?

The things that aided healing were: vitamin D tablets, Cod Liver Oil, Sunlight (in moderation), and avoiding sugar.

*Josh at the end of month 11*

4) Sum up TSW in five words.

Profound reinvention. Getting myself back!

5) What positives, if any, have you found from going through TSW?

I'm probably the odd one out, but this recovery helped me so much. It gave me time to focus internally, think about my life and what I wanted to get out of it. When I was recovered I got life back and made the most of it.

Since recovering I've taken chances I wouldn't have before. I'm currently travelling the world (been gone 7 months), done all these amazing things, met amazing people. My life is now 100 times healthier. I don't eat sugar, have learned tonnes about nutrition and that most people don't know what is truly healthy. I've also challenged myself to get the most out of life. The next 3 months I'm living on a tropical island in Mexico. It's stunning here, and I don't feel a compulsion to go back to the rat race. My perspective on the world has changed. Finally, my strength, power and flexibility has improved out of sight. My golf game now hits the ball 30 yards further. My running has improved and much more.


For his wonderful videos, click (here) and for his blog click (here).

Thank you so much Josh for all you have done but I swear I'll stop being gushy now. Marry me?

If there are people within our community that inspire you that you'd like to see interviewed, I'd love to know. This series has really compounded the love I feel for our ever-growing community and I hope it shows that there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

Links to my previous 5 QUESTIONS WITH:
Henni @rawsomesoul (here)
Alice @healthy_healer (here)
Maleeha @TSWHealed (here)
Nina Sloan (here)
Nick @Eczemacism (here)
Stephanie & Isaiah Quinn (here)
Stephanie @TheItchyConundrum (here)

Love to you all out there
Cara xxxx