The many symptoms of withdrawal: Your Mental Health

After talking a lot recently about the mental symptoms of TSW, I realised I hadn't dedicated a whole post to it like I'd done for some of the physical ones. I've said many times now that the mental symptoms are tough and it's only in the months since recovering that I've realised just how deep those particular wounds go. Our mental health is sometimes overlooked in lieu of the physical symptoms you can see but why is our brain, such a vital organ in our body, not given more attention? I have talked about a few of my TSW-related mental health struggles before but I wanted to delve further into the issues I've experienced over my withdrawal. I have already written articles about doubt (here) & fear (here) that you might find helpful but I hope these other points I'll highlight today make you feel a little less scared.


–ANXIETY & PANIC ATTACKS–
Ah, anxiety... You can feel totally fine one moment then the next, BAM! You're so blinded with anxiety that you lose all sense of what is real anymore. There is a sinking in your stomach as you rapidly think ahead and start to see things that aren't there. You have a running commentary going inside your head spewing all these irrational thoughts: 'Wait, is my skin THICKER?!' 'Is my skin WEEPING again!?!' 'Is that ANOTHER rash?!?'

My anxiety was bad through withdrawal and it was only when I first got better and began meditating that I was able to manage my anxiety but a few months later, I started working in London and gradually the meditation went out of the window as I was too busy. Last summer I noticed my anxiety starting to come back again after developing an odd rash that I'd never had before and even though it was MINOR, soon I was spending nights crying over it. I mean, I couldn't even take photos of it as it was so faint but I just didn't know what was going to happen next - around that time I was planning to spend the night at my friend's house but had to leave early as I'd worked myself up so much. Last December I got a rash on my forehead. At first I was fine with it but suddenly, as I watched Home Alone with my mum, all of a sudden I was panicking that I was going to flare. I started over-analysing my skin, seeing changes to it that weren't even there. Recently, I got a few rashes on my face that I've talked about in previous posts and I thought I was ok, until I woke up in the middle of the night with an almighty panic attack. It was horrible - my mouth was dry, my heart felt like it was pushing through my chest and I had some of the most terrifying thoughts going around my head about my life and skin. None of the rashes I've mentioned above developed into anything but it didn't stop me from getting anxious. I'm working through my anxiety again with meditation and also trying to find some balance which I am terrible at and I'm hoping over time I can really say goodbye to it.

–DEVELOPING A TEMPORARY PHOBIA–
A few months into TSW I got a sudden and quite intense phobia of something. I am not going to tell you what as it wasn't pleasant and there is a strong chance it would affect you as it did me and send you into a scratching frenzy. It seems so strange but it really was the case that one day I suddenly had a phobia. It was so bad that I couldn't even think about it as it would make me start scratching FURIOUSLY. It sent shivers up my spine and made my skin prickle. There were times I would watch YouTube videos of it in a bid to overcome my fear but all it did was freak me out even more. Now, if I watched those same videos, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. Absolutely bizarre.

–DOUBT, FEAR & WORRY THAT I'D NEVER GET BETTER–
With the 'slight' inconvenience of having most of the medical profession - those we are meant to trust - telling us that our condition doesn't even exist, it naturally leads to moments, days, MONTHS even, of doubt that you are either the only one that just has 'incurable' eczema etc or you will never get better, your skin is just too damaged and you are simply doing the wrong thing. As the title of this post suggests, these are all just symptoms of a very nasty, ignored, condition we have to deal with for the most part on our own.

–PTSD–

I have talked about this before but I do believe I have some kind of PTSD from going through TSW that I have only really come to terms with since getting better. You can't expect to go through something like TSW for all those months/years and come out of it scot-free. TSW will always be the best thing I've ever done for myself on so many levels but that doesn't mean it's been a piece of cake. The quote 'Nothing worth having comes easy' pretty much hits the nail on the head. 

It might sound like TSW turned me into this broken woman but it couldn't be further from the truth. TSW transformed not only how I see the world, but also my opinion of myself. It helped me FINALLY deal with two compulsions I had been struggling with for a very long time: Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania because I knew that if I could get through TSW, I could do anything. The anxiety might still pay me a visit once in a while but I'd gladly invite it over to stay the night if I could keep my new skin and the way I feel right now.

You know what's funny? Just writing these symptoms down, I feel so much better ... until I see a rash and think the world's going to end.

Whatever it is, you are not alone <3
Cara xxxx

Other posts in the series:

Elephant skin (Before and after) - here
Hair loss (Before and after) - here
Dry & cracked skin - here

Weeping skin - here

Red skin & sleeves - here
Puffy & swollen skin - here