I have wanted to do this post for AGES but every time I have gone to write it, I've held off, for fear of tempting fate. Out of every part of my body through withdrawal, I would say my hands and I have been on the most turbulent journey together, but after months where I haven't really had a single issue with them, bar a miniscule rash last month which went quickly, I feel the time has come to take the plunge and finally do this post. For my own sanity, and in a bid not to jinx anything, I'm going to acknowledge that the current condition of my skin might only be temporary and as you probably know by now, I will never utter the H word (healed) because that feels like it would be courting bloody DISASTER.
I suppose our hands tend to take longer to get better as we use them so much in our everyday lives and they take the brunt of everything we do and for me at least, their recovery has certainly not been linear. Over my three, nearly four, years of withdrawal, there have been many ups and downs and we have definitely come a long way together.
Recently, I've noticed a lot of people who are much further on in their withdrawals talk about experiencing a lot of trouble with their hands, just like I did, so this post is for you. If you are suffering right now, I want you to remember that with each day that passes, you are one day closer to getting better and those tough days (more like weeks and months) are only temporary.
I have broken down the journey my hands have been on by year with pictures and a general overview of what they were like. The photos don't really show just how bad things got but they do offer some insight which I hope you find helpful ... or you could say, handy. Please forgive me.
YEAR ONE
*June 6th 2013 - June 5th 2014*
In the first year my hands were bad with some weeping, a lot of redness and some swelling and irritation but they weren't as severe as other areas of my body and I didn't really experience that bone-deep itch.
Here are some photos of my hands/wrists taken over the first year:
YEAR TWO
*June 6th 2014 - June 5th 2015*
I can safely say that it wasn't until the second year that my hands really took a turn for the worse. At this point, I still believed my 'healing' was going to be linear, so when certain areas like my hands started getting MUCH worse, that was when a lot of my doubt, fear and anxiety really kicked in. I noticed my hands and wrists start to get really bad around the time of my anniversary flare in June/July 2014 and as the months wore on, all they seemed to be doing was getting worse. It was hell - the itching was intense, they were so swollen and would weep intermittently. There were also lots of deep cracks in the skin and I have to say, looking back, it's a miracle I never got an infection in the months where they were that bad.
For a long time I couldn't really move my hands much at all and it wasn't long before my mum, on top of doing so much else for me, started having to wash my hair and do other things like wash my hands when I couldn't cup the soap - and even times where she had to put my shoes on for me as I couldn't bring my fingers together to tie my laces. I remember moments during the second year where I'd look at my hands as if they belonged to another person - they felt completely alien to me. I think by this point I had accepted my skin was bad generally, but for some reason I couldn't seem to get it in my head that these were MY hands.
In the second year, I never really had any kind of let up and it was only in the summer of 2015, a few months before making a sudden recovery, that things started to
slowly improve.
Here are some photos of my hands/wrists taken over the second year:
YEAR THREE
*June 6th 2015 - June 5th 2016*
This was the year that marked my sudden recovery from TSA in mid-August 2015. For the first few months after getting better, my hands were fantastic - I got the occasional minor rash that would go quickly but there was no irritation and certainly no weeping. It was wonderful and such a relief after the previous year of absolute hell. I could wash my hair again and do things for myself. Trust me when I say you don't appreciate how wonderful the small things are until they are taken away from you.
As the weather grew colder, I started to worry. Would I flare again? In the November, I was offered a job in London, which I very nearly didn't take as I was so nervous my skin was going to get bad again. In the end, after telling myself that I should never let fear dictate my life, I took the job. Soon after starting though, I noticed my hands were coming up a little more rashy - I am not sure if it was down to the literally hands-on job or the colder weather but they were definitely reacting to something. Thankfully, they never got bad enough to impact my job or life and would always calm down pretty quickly, unlike the previous year where I seemed to be trapped in this perpetual flare.
At this point, my hands seemed to be in this rashy cycle where they'd come up a bit, then calm down again but as everywhere else was so good, I could deal with it.
As part of my job, I went to Verbier in Switzerland at the end of 2015 and it's safe to say I wasn't there to relax - it was full on from the moment I got there. A few days before going, I noticed my hands (especially my right hand) coming up, but it not enough to concern me. When I arrived in Switzerland though, things very quickly got worse. I was terrified I was going to flare badly and I remember moments frantically thinking of ways I could come back to the UK without getting fired. As the days passed in Switzerland, my hands got more swollen and cracked but as soon as I came back to the UK a week later, they started to calm down and in the subsequent weeks, returned to normal. For the next few months, my hands followed a similar cycle to how they were just before Switzerland, trapped in this rashy cycle, but as the symptoms were minor, they didn't bother me.
In late March, early April, I had to go back to Verbier in Switzerland as part of my job and had a pretty much identical reaction to the first time I went there - the only noticeable difference being in my recovery time, which was a matter of days. I was completely amazed by how fast my hands recovered.
I am still trying to understand exactly
why my hands reacted so badly both times I went to Verbier and the only thing I can think of is the high altitude. I think
that, teamed with having to use and wash my hands constantly was a total recipe for disaster. Perhaps if I had been in Switzerland on holiday, I might have had a reaction but a minor one ... on a related note, Verbier is absolutely fabulous and well worth the trip :)
What I would like to finish by saying was that even when I experienced any rash or issue with my hands in the third year, I don't think I scratched them once. They were obviously uncomfortable at times, especially when I was in Verbier, but never really itchy. Very, very odd.
As the weather grew warmer again, I noticed a marked improvement in the texture and look of the skin on my hands. I'm not saying they looked bad in earlier parts of the year but as the summer wore on, the skin was more delicate, softer, and over time they just went from strength to strength.
Here are some photos of my hands/wrists taken over the third year:
My hands not long after moving to London:
My hands during my time in Verbier (from Sunday 27th December 2015 - Sunday 3rd January 2016):
My hands when I got back to the UK:
My hands when I went to Verbier again (from Saturday 26th March - Sunday 3rd April 2016):
My hands when I came back to the UK:
YEAR 4
*June 6th 2016 - present day*
In the summer, things continued to improve and at the end of September 2016, I left my job and moved back in with my mum full time. Now, and I am not sure if it was because my lifestyle wasn't as crazy and I didn't have to constantly use my hands and keep washing them for my job, I found that from this point things got even better.
Around mid-November though, I got a bout of hives and some small, irritated rashes on my hands which didn't last long and apart from that, up until now (May 2017), I haven't really had a single issue with them and went through pretty much the entirety of the winter unscathed. I've mentioned this on my blog before but apparently hives are one of the last stages of withdrawal, and I think for me, I'm inclined to agree, let's hope so anyway.
Here are some photos of my hands/wrists taken over the forth year:
The photo on the left is of the hives/small rashes I got that went very quickly:
I feel I need to end this very long post by saying again that I could be very wrong and this might only be temporary but we'll never really know until (IF) it happens ... but I do genuinely feel like my hands are better for good now *TOUCHES ALL THE WOOD*
I hope you have found some comfort from my story and if you are currently struggling with your hands, I truly hope you see a marked improvement very soon as I know how hard it can be.
Time. Heals.
Cara xxxx
