For over four years I had a little black cloud that would sometimes hover over me peacefully then at other times storm. This cloud was my anxiety, which came into my life during TSW and was shaped by PTSD.I know I say this a lot but I think we all need to appreciate just how much of a terrible toll this process can take on us mentally. The worst thing about having to go through any kind of mental health problem is that we can't see it, we can only choose to believe it. Physical trauma gives us proof that we actually suffered, we have scars. Mental scars are there, but they are invisible. The good news is that our scars can fade – mine have.
Now, when people ask how long it took for me to recover from TSA (...still not using that H word...*coughs: healed*), I say it took two years physically and another two for the mental symptoms to catch up. Just after I had recovered physically, I may have looked better and felt happier than ever, but really, I was a wreck. For over two years, I had been to hell and back and when it was over, I thought I would be able to walk away unscathed, but our minds soak up everything. We are sponges.
TSW is a trauma, never forget that, made all the worse by the fact that we shouldn't have to go through it in the first place. You can be the strongest person on earth and yet still suffer from mental health problems – and don't think for a moment that to suffer mentally makes you a weaker person. It only makes you human.
I would like to tell you something positive now. I can safely say that I no longer suffer from anxiety as a result of TSW. Last year, after filming with Nina and Laura as part of Briana's Preventable documentary, I knew something had suddenly changed and I wouldn't suffer from TSW-induced anxiety anymore ... although I wasn't able to really put it to the test till now. Two years ago, around June 2016, I suffered from mild urticaria, which is essentially a kind of skin rash with hives. A couple of weeks ago, due to the heat wave we've been experiencing in the UK, it came back. Two years ago, when I got urticaria, my anxiety was through the roof, to the point where I suffered from panic attacks. I was in a very dark place. This time, I was able to accept it for what it was; a heat rash, and I knew that it would go, just like it did before. I embraced it. Everything was ok. It was only temporary. Just like before, I couldn't even take pictures of it it was so faint and guess what? It did go, and much quicker than the last time. Remember our skin is always fighting for us.
Just like my anxiety, there will always be clouds, but for now at least, my little cloud is white and fluffy and warmed by the sun, which has broken through after four years of darkness.
Never beat yourself up if this process gets too much for you. TSA is an horrific skin condition and one not to be taken lightly. We are all victims of a flawed system which has to change.
I will never regret going through withdrawal. It changed me for the better and gave me so much more than it took, because every cloud has a silver lining.
Cara x
